Here We Go Again

WEEKENDER | Thu, 12/17/2009 6:35 PM | Said & Done

Move over, Mama Lauren; clear off, Ki Joko Bodo; put a lid on it, Permadi. It’s time for our long-awaited annual predictions for the year ahead. Let’s get gazing into our crystal balls – we have more than one, for the whole picture – to foresee what very likely-may just-could perhaps lie ahead in the alleged scheme of things in 2010.


JANUARY

Flooding swamps Jakarta, with the city brought to a standstill. When the waters subside, officials realize that a 7-kilometer line of vehicles on Jl. Sudirman is actually due to a traffic jam, not flooding. They vow to overcome the gridlock woes and get to work on a plan.

FEBRUARY

Singer-songwriter Anang’s decision to set the broken record straight in a song about his split with diva Krisdayanti – and her doing likewise with a follow-up tune – sets off a whole new genre of “vengeance-is-mine” CDs. Erstwhile spouses follow suit, disgruntled in-laws have their fervid 5 cents' worth, and even children get to vent their grievances against their parents for absolutely everything that went wrong in their lives. Marshanda launches her greatest hits album. Messiest of all is the She Said, She Said recriminations of ventriloquist Ria Enes and her doll Susan, titled “Who You Calling a Dummy?” However, the much-anticipated album by a mega-miffed former president against a certain current leader is only available in a bootleg version.

MARCH

Malaysia claims something of ours. It may be a cultural heritage item, or it could be a whole island (the crystal ball is a bit fuzzy here, but it sure looks like Kalimantan). Protests ensue. Protests die down. Traffic gets much worse.

APRIL

A miniature version of the BlackBerry is launched for itsy-bitsy teeny-tiny thumbs. The Baby BB – it rhymes! – is a huge hit among the toddler set, and is released in bubble-gum pink, candy-cane cherry and fire-engine red. It’s also beloved by older folks who should know better but think it’s just really, really cute.

MAY

The city administration announces it is still working on its traffic plan. In the meantime, it introduces the Jam-Packed Leisure Movement, with tips for drivers to use their time on the road constructively and efficiently, such as by knitting, studying to become a contestant on the local version of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, performing in-vehicle aerobics (all the better to ward off deep-vein thrombosis) and so much more. Drivers can’t wait, but they have to anyway.

JUNE

Former National Police chief detective Susno Duadji takes a lot of flack over the Corruption Eradication Commission (KPK) scandal. Tired of being labeled the bad cop and a corrupting influence, he becomes a regular on local sitcoms as the ever-smiling, kindhearted good cop. He is not averse to looking back at the events that made him famous, recording his own album of tunes. Among them are “Crocodile Rock”, his down-tempo version of Mulan Jameela’s “Buaya Darat”, a coy rendition of “Cicak on Your Collar” and the show-stopping “My Name is Not Cicak”, sung to Whitney Houston’s “My Name is Not Susan”.

JULY

The city is still working on a plan to overcome the traffic jams, and speculates that the problem may have something to do with the melting polar ice caps. Or shifting tectonic plates. Or Malaysia. Or all three.

KD and Anang launch their “Separate But Equal Tour”, where they appear in one arena but on separate stages and with individual sound systems. All goes well until the final curtain call, when neither will leave the stage until the other one goes first. Ahmad Dhani is enlisted to mediate.

Michael Jackson is rumored to be alive and well and living in Klaten.

AUGUST

In a patriotic present for Independence Day, new state-of-the-art satellite photos show even clearer images of Borobudur from outer space. As are 158 villa developments on Bali.

SEPTEMBER

Part of a Mississippi franchise, double deep-fried extra-large Mars bars – served with lashings of peanut, coconut and chocolate sauce – become Jakarta’s latest food fad. The Fry Me to the Moon confections are advertised as all-natural and with no additives or preservatives – which means they're all right then.

OCTOBER

In an effort to get the attention of jaded TV viewers, reality show producers come up with a new concept: Amateurs playing actors playing characters playing actors playing characters, sans script or plot line or direction and recorded on a cellphone. Viewers are justifiably dazed and confused, but ratings are high.

NOVEMBER

She couldn’t get into the country last year, but Japanese porn star Miyabi finally comes to town to star with Manohara in the sinetron “M and M Make Friends”. As an exchange student with a deep, dark, dirty secret, Miyabi is a revelation, looking like she can act, while Manohara, basically playing herself, acts like she looks as a young woman who rebounds from a bad marriage to a nasty prince from – you guessed it – to set up her own traditional cake business. The presence of the exchange student with the deep, dark, dirty secret helps business no end, and soon Miyabi’s serabi are selling like hotcakes.

DECEMBER

The city administration announces that its plan to deal with the traffic jams has been shelved until 2011. In the meantime, it places giant screens in major traffic-congestion areas to play the movie 2012 and a documentary on the Sidoarjo disaster, because, you know, things could be much worse. So sit back and enjoy the show, while you can.